Asperger’s is a lonely place. It’s like living on an island with no control over the ferries with access. It is very easy to feel isolated… and incredibly lonely; other people don’t seem to understand my desire for company when I have a need for solitude!
Yes ok, I am a quandary! Seriously though, isn’t everyone? You see, the human race is confusing! I can understand my animals with greater ease than I can people! I can’t seem to have friends the same way other people do. I remember watching my peers when I was a child, wondering how they managed to have such good friendships with each other. I had ‘friends’, people who I spoke to, who wanted to share my notes or even translate the Shakespeare play we were studying. I even went to one or two of their houses on very rare occasions. It just felt so awkward, so forced.
By the time I was in primary school I was a good actress. I knew how to observe, to learn certain patterns of behaviour and try to be like the person or persons I wanted to create a friendship with. Sometimes this method would fail; I went to a boarding school and I would be teased for ‘trying so hard’ to be like one of my peers. For me it was difficult not to copy them so completely, so I was frequently teased and bullied.
Learning how to fit in wasn’t easy but I did have a good friend in secondary school. We even called each other ‘best friends’; I felt more like my peers at long last! The difficulties arose, however, when my best friend wanted to ‘hang out’ with other people or when there were times which she wasn’t talking to me. I didn’t seem to understand how or why I may have upset her – or even if I had! I just felt weird, isolated and lonely and as if everyone could see I was different. Did everyone feel this awkward, as if life needed a script for it to make sense? Was I the only one who felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere?
I still feel like this, even in my mid forties! But this is just the introduction today. I hope you enjoy my blog; I will write more of my journey through my Aspie life soon 😊