Relationships

Relationships

I have been considering writing about relationships for a while but kept changing my mind because my track history of relationships of any kind is not exactly good!  But I am sure I am not the only one with negative tales to tell about this subject, so I hope some of you at least can relate.

Firstly, parental relationships; in actuality I could probably write a book about how awful my relationship was with my parents!  This is in part because my mother was abusive towards me.  However, I never felt that I could connect with them.  I remember when I was three, watching my mother in her bedroom (whilst awaiting a telling off).  She was kneeling on the floor peeling off a face mask and I thought she was like an alien and we were completely different types of beings.

As for friendships, I have always struggled.  I don’t know if it’s because I say the wrong thing, act inappropriately or am just not reciprocating time and caring efficiently.  I have always found friendships intensely difficult to maintain.  Even when I was four I would prefer to be on my own, preferably being creative or reading, than being amongst my classmates.  Consequentially I love Facebook, via which I have numerous lovely friends!  I find it easier to communicate online and there is far less pressure with online friendships.  I don’t have to present myself a specific way, put on the mask that I wear to pretend I am ‘normal’ and part of society.  I don’t even have to fake a smile!

Finally, the most difficult one for me: romantic relationships.  I can’t seem to meet the ‘right’ men and I frequently confuse friendliness for a more romantic interest in me.  I mean, how do other people know these things?!  I like romance, I like affection and the security of being in a relationship. So how do I end up getting it so wrong?!

Sadly I don’t have the answers; I really wish I did!  There are probably a lot of neurotypicals (non-ASD people) who wish they had the answers too, at least I think so.  It is a very common problem for Aspies.  Real life, and real relationships of any kind, are very confusing to me.  I think this article should include a suggestion box at the end!

All joking aside, if you are having difficulties making and maintaining relationships, you are not alone.

Love and peace to you all.

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Depression

Depression

Well, it has been a while since my last blog.  There is a reason for that: depression.  Yes, I know it’s an ugly word, most people don’t want to hear it or acknowledge it, but it exists in all its vulgar glory!  It is a frequent unwelcome companion to those of us on the spectrum.

A lot of people have been using the analogy of the ‘black dog’ to describe depression.  I have a problem with that: dogs are gorgeous!  My dogs make me feel comforted on my darkest days, so how can I equate something so awful to something so loving and giving?!

As a child I lived in Kuwait.  There was often patches of tar on the beach, if my sister and I accidentally trod in it, there followed a lengthy and painful process to remove the sticky mess from our feet.  Well, that to me describes depression better.  It is dark, sticky, unwelcome, uncomfortable, painful.

So far in 2016, I have been stuck in the midst of a thick dark pool of this tar.  My head has felt thick and heavy, as if the tar has pervaded my very being.  It is difficult, particularly when well-meaning people frequently ask if I’m feeling better or suggest that I will “feel better in the morning”.  If only it were that easy!  Depression is not a choice, it is cruel and complicated.  It is also a liar.  Depression makes you doubt anything good about yourself and convinces you that you cannot be good enough – for anything.

As I said, depression is ugly.  However, the more we talk about it, admit when we’re weighed down by it, the more we can help each other in the right ways.  Mental health is a hot topic politically at the moment, as services have become further restricted.  So let’s talk about mental health; if you have depression you are most certainly not alone.

Love and best wishes (and spoons) to you all x